Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Solstice or just, feet up having a few bevies, my best to you and I hope you’ve been enjoying it, whatever ‘it’ is to you. As many of you have come to know political correctness is not really on my agenda, while doing my best to ferret out the truth and in the process raise consciousness is.
So in the name of such endeavours: Put your feet up, grab a bevy, give yourself a couple of minutes and I’ll share with you how to have a more authentic “holiday season’:
Whether we are saying a politically correct “Happy Holidays ” or a supposedly less correct “Merry Christmas “ (Small side bar: From my point of view, the whole PC thing has turned the holidays and many other things into a ‘christMESS’).
In the words of psychologist and comedian David Grainer,
“The holidays; a time when dysfunctional families obligationally get together to piss each other off.”
Of course, that’s not necessarily true for everyone, but it sure is for many.
Okay, back on track: Why do we get together at this time of year?
Christmas can be so many things to so many people; for some it’s wonderful and for others.. not so much. To me, there’s not much that is more heartwarming than watching the excitement on a small child’s face on Christmas morning. It’s almost as if excitement is literally leaking out of every pore. It’s a sight that infects and lifts even the saddest soul.
But let’s face it, outside of that, there can be meeting with people who very often you wouldn’t spend time with under any other circumstances. And then the buying of Christmas gifts has become about competitive, obligational consumerism. And even though we may be becoming more conscious and we promise ourselves we won’t swallow the consumer pill… year after year – we do .
If I sound a bit pessimistic about this time of year, it’s because I think we all need to examine the unconscious rituals we subscribe to and why. Take for instance Shopping: For most people, the competitive, obligational consumerism that has been rammed down our throats all too often chokes the goodwill out of heart felt gift giving. In turn robing us of the true joy of giving.
Here’s the scary part: Think about it…This year, how many gifts did you/will you, give out of obligation?
I know it’s a tough question, but it is worth thinking about. Here’s a clue into knowing the difference between an obligational gift verses one that came from the heart:
If you had a magic wand that would instantly remove the guilt from yourself or judgment from others, how many of the gifts you gave this past Christmas would you actually have chosen NOT to give?
It comes down to this: The only way to treat this disease is step into a level of Quantum Mind Mastery by asking yourself powerful self penatrating question: Why have I made what other people think of me so important?
WWTT is an acronym for ‘What Will They Think?’
Here’s what you will want to know: Most of the time, most people don’t think!
Now, let me ask you this: Who do you admire?
The answer – I think you will agree – are those who stand up for what they believe in. Those who own their trust, and are willing to face rejection rather than be inauthentic. People like Martin Luther King, Gandhi, even the Dixie Chicks.
So, stop for a moment and think about what this means…
The only way to be genuinely liked – or, for that matter loved, is to stand in your truth.
Here’s one of my quotes on the subject:
Those who are committed to being liked by everyone will never know genuine love from anyone.”
In the next post I’ll talk about New years resolutions and goal setting.
Have a wonderful guilt free holiday season, Dov…
“Leadership is about building fierce loyalty. Leadership is about courage. Leadership is about the willingness to make tough decisions. That’s what Full Monty Leadership is about and that’s what Dov Baron teaches. Dov knows his stuff and delivers it like a star!”
“Looking through the bookstore shelves and listening to all of the business gurus out there, we read and hear about a lot of trends in leadership. The only problem is that true leadership doesn’t follow trends.
hey bro,
Interesting blog you wrote there. You seem to have hit the nail on the head exactly about how people tend to give out of obligation. I feel that they also do this to seek approval aswell as guilt. How sad is that? Buying love. tut tut tut, but also because it’s what their parent’s taught them to do as kids.
The saying use to be ” it’s always better to give than to receive”. hence why they all go out giving gifts wantonly and waiting for some magic to happen in their lives because they did just that. Ugh! programmed little robots they are.
I want you to know that I am one who does not give gifts to anyone other than my own children. In that respect I am one that has remained “authentic”, I totally get what you’re saying.
Thank you for being bold enough to post a blog such as this, you really are someone I truely admire and love.
xoxo
Hi Dov, I love reading your blogs as there is always something challenging to think about and even feel about and this one is no exception.
I come from a large family so it is interesting seeing how Christmas day has changed over the years and there is no real consensus in my family about gifts. Although I personally love to be able to think of what to get for another family member that they would like I know my sentiments are not shared by most of my siblings and father from listening to their dread of shopping at christmas time and we been doing the Kris Kringle thing for some time.
Personally I enjoyed it more when I was out getting a gift for every family member but beyond all that I think the best part is just one of rare times most family members are together is same location.
Still, it is interesting about the authentic idea. I admit I think I twist myself to fit in with other family members as even though they are family I can see my way of looking at life and the world is quite different and for the small amount of time I’m with them it is no big deal. But I can see your point about twisting and squeezing authencity out of myself by comprimising a little and will take up the challenge tomorrow to be a bit more authentic with them without rocking the boat too much…lol
Thanks for all your great and thought provoking material and wish you a great Christmas day with your beloved Renuka.
Cheers,
Shaun
Thank you for this lovely reminder. I will wear it proudly as the Christmas present that it is. It fits very well.
Peace & Pleasure,
Kath
25th. Dec… Greasons Seetings Everyone!! Last evening, I was taking my daughter’s Boxer for walkies. Near us is a Dobermann, Oskar, and these two K9s like to run up and down their sides of a chain link fence, playing ‘silly sods’ as only doggies can. The grandson of the owner, a lad about 10 or 11, came out for a chat. I asked him if he hung up a stocking or a pillow case, and he replied “Neither, ‘cos I’m satisfied with what I get from under the tree as there are so many people who’ve got nothing.” What a wise lad he is, and I wished him a Really Merry Christmas (and meant it!). As Ebenezer Scrooge’s proponent and defender, I honestly applaud this lad. Luv Ya All, Justin.
Dov
Wow, This is great. I have always wished that people would treat each other all year long like they do in the weeks just before xmas. I am not talking about all the gifts. I am talking about the way they treat and greet each other. How giving of them selves they are. Helping each other. Then they lose interest the rest of the year in how they even say hello to people. The gift giving is a thing that the stores do to make money. I give gifts all year for no other reason than I feel like it and something is what a person might like. I don’t give but a few xmas gifts. Most people don’t understand this but I don’t care. I am not going to break the bank because it is what the stores want. Or because people have been brainwashed to believe the stores.
I believe that we should all treat each other better all year long. Make it a way of life.
Thank you for letting me rant. I have wanted to say that for a long time. I don’t know much about you but I am hoping to learn more.
Ruth
Dear Dov,
It is funny – I just had left a Christmas note on my blog which says something in the same direction:
Wishing all a wonderful Christmas season, and a truly positive New Year in which to discover our truth – however different it may be than what we have imagined.
Somehow I believe that even a star killed by clichés
recovers its light in the blank void of somewhere.
It sort of reminds me of where I am going
even though I only vaguely remember that place… (Zayra Yves)
The quote is from a poetess friend, who speaks her truth in a way that goes to the heart, as you do too. Thank you Dov!
This was a great read. I have to say this year I didn’t give anything out of obligation…the gifts I gave were to people I truly wanted to express something but yet at the last minute I did find myself worrying ‘did I get enough’ and also “what will they think of what I got them” So even though I thought I’d gotten the obligation think licked there is still lingering doubt and worry at times.
What really resonated with me was the whole piece on adjusting our personality for people to like us. I have been subconsciously doing that for most of my life without even realizing it. Now, I am suffering the ramifications of not living an authentic life and approaching my 50′s realizing I need to summon the courage and break the habit of WWTT
Look forward to more insights from you Dov and everyone else. Wishing you all the best in 2009 and beyond
Synchronisity is amazing sometimes when you allow yourself to notice these things.
This year we decided only to give presents to the kids as because of the financial crisis it seemed wrong to go overboard. We spent Christmas day with my parents and were discussing this very subject, how Christmas is all about commercialism, spending money that people don’t have, and that the true spirit of Christmas…that of just giving and being together with family and friends…giving yourself, your company and your love has somehwere been buried amongst credit card debt and mass commercalism.
We had a fantastic day in fact and it didnt seem at all strange not to exchange presents but just to enjoy each other’s company without financial obligation. I must admit we did eat rather too much….but hey!! there’s no competition in that…or is there.
Good post.
Hello Dov and everyone,
WWTT is indeed a painful psychic dis-ease. Some people call it a poisonous virus which we have been injected with to keep us under control!!!! because we know we risk censure and even alienation it can be difficult to question aspects of social and cultural reality because they have always been taken for granted. It does take courage to actively learn to dissent and oppose constraints we have had placed on us if we want to live our own authentic life.
I do think the question of identity and safety has reared its head with the question you`ve raised Dov. You mention guilt and I think many of us become experts in feeling guilty because of feeling that we are bad, or have done something wrong. If you think about it, there seems to be no situation which we cannot feel guilty about if we put our mind to it. As a once expert in guilt I felt responsible for ensuring the happiness of other people, especially family members. Why do we, and why did I inflict such pain on myself and still do at times? As I see it feeling guilty is a denial of helplessness.. Feeling helpless we can regress to the weak and helpless feeling of being in the power of `dangerous`loved adults. We cannot be threatened by other people in our adult self unless we let them though.
If we feel bad we will often as a compensation work hard at being good and become obedient. I think we all have our own way of being good which leaves no room for our authentic self to emerge, but if and when it does we do risk losing the love and approval we may have been seeking from other people.
I do sincerely think that obligation is a real killer of Joy,
Thank you for your post on this Dov.
Wishing everyone a Joyful New Year.
I came from a family where Cristmas gift giving was really excessive, and accompanied by competition, games of one upsmanship and a lot of stuff that I disliked, even as a small child. So for many years, I had major issues with the consumerism of Christmas. When I went shopping with resentment, feelings of obligation etc, that just compounded all those issues.
Now after many years of of personal development work, I have changed those beliefs and attitudes. I choose to believe that a gift, at any time of the year, is an act of love, a way of showing somenone you care. So now when I go shopping with those feelings in my heart, I am have a much better time. And of course my feet get tired, and the crowds can be a hassle and all that stuff, but now they are just minor irritants, and not such a big deal.
And the neat thing is I never made a conscious decision to think like this. I have been working very hard to change myself in other ways, mostly eliminating my faults, and being frustrated with my lack of progress. It is only when I sat down to write this, that I clued in to the fact that all kinds of other changes have been happening, and I was too busy criticising myself to notice.
These changes have come into being as a result of my efforts to be more authentic all year long. Becoming more authentic is an ongoing process. My attitude now is : if people want to spend gazillions of dollars on gifts, be competitive etc, that is their right to do so; it is a free country after all. But that doesn’t mean I have to be that way. So I live my life the way I want, am much happier, and a result, I am less and less concerned with what others are doing. Being authentic sometimes means making a personal declaration of independence from the herd mentality, and that takes a lot of courage. Sometimes it even means losing friends and relatives.
Consumerism at Christmas is just part of a larger picture of consumerism out of control in our society; the currrent ecomic situation is now forcing us all to reevaluate our thinking and values.
Gifts are inanimate objects. We give them meaning with our beliefs and attitudes. So if consumerism is bugging you, you can stop buying gifts; that is one option. Or you can create a new way of looking at what gifts are really all about. Maybe one of the reasons consumerism is so strong, is that we have forgotten what christmas is really all about: peace on earth, goodwill to men(and women). We pay lip service to this, but how many people apply this to their daily life?
When it comes to political correctness, wishing someone a merry christmas is wishing them happiness ; what is so offensive about that? Seems to me that some people get too hung about the technicalities of language and really miss out on the message behind the words.
To those who are offended by religion, I ask: what is so terrible about the spiritual values of love, compassion, honesty, kindness to others? Christmas is a time to remember and reinforce those values. Isn’t that a good and positive thing?. Again, people focusing on the externals, and not getting the deeper meaning.
Thanks so much Dov for the gift of your post; In responding to it I got some major insights and finally clued in to my life’s purpose. One of the things that I have been doing spontaneously, without any thought, is random acts of kindness to strangers ie, cheering up someone who looks sad, words of support and encouragement, helping seniors stuggling with groceries etc., and I do it everywhere I go. I have an assortment of seemingly unrelated skills and abilities and have been struggling to fuse them into some kind of cohesive whole, into a career or job, without success.
Now I am reminded of the bus driver who had a microphone and cracked jokes to everyone on the bus; his life purpose was not the job, it was making people laugh. So now I understand that my role has nothing to do with a particular kind of work, but how I connect with people in that environment. Major breakthru for me. You have no idea no much his means to me.
And a final note on gifts. Thinking of a gift as something in a pretty box is a very narrow definition. It can be an act of kindness eg, a coupon offering a few hours of baby sitting to a disadvantaged single mom, several hours of yard work to an ageing senior, etc. Gifts at Christmas can be a way of getting out of our own egos, and thinking of others instead of ourselves; of connecting with humanity; but you can’t do that if if you think consumerism is being rammed down your throat(victim mentality). You have to create a new paradigm inside your head…one of your own choosing, one that is authentically yours. And the hardest part of that is declaring independence from the herd mentality, cause we all wanted to be accepted by others.
And for those who said they were now scrooges, remember Scrooge was a lonely bitter old man who had no friends. Be careful what you ask for…you may get it.
It’s too late to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, so I wish for you a New year filled with abundance, happines, love and peace. Thanks for listening.
Irene